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Gabriel Tellier describes toxic silence as more than the absence of speech—it’s “l’absence de lien” that “raye, corrode, durcit” the relationship over time  . He warns that silence isn’t neutral or peaceful; it’s often a defensive tactic—a fuite—that procrastinates conflict, gradually eroding intimacy ().

He outlines why people stay silent—fear of triggering fights, past hurt, exhaustion from speaking up only to be ignored or mocked—but emphasizes that unspoken frustrations still “tournent en boucle” under the surface  . The warning signs? Rumination, tension in physical closeness, avoidance of meaningful moments, relief when apart, and rehearsed-but-avoided conversations ().

🧠 Clinical & Theoretical Perspectives

1. Attachment Theory

Avoidant attachment individuals withdraw to self-protect, while an anxiously attached partner perceives this as abandonment—igniting insecurity and a vicious cycle of distance and longing.

2. Trauma-Based Freeze Response

Silence may be involuntary (freeze/fawn response). But when habitual, it transitions from self-protective to relationally damaging, leaving the other unheard and emotionally abandoned.

3. Emotional Abuse Paradigms

In the Duluth Model, withholding (communication, affection, validation) is a form of emotional abuse. It disregards the other’s need for connection, implants self-doubt, and mirrors gaslighting: “If you weren’t so sensitive, I wouldn’t have to be silent.”

💥 Silence as Psychological Violence

Silence is not neutral—it’s coercive. The World Health Organization defines violence as “intentional use of power that causes—or is likely to cause harm.” When silence is wielded intentionally to punish or control, it meets this definition. This is emotional violence: it withholds empathy and recognition, denies accountability, and uses absence as punishment.

Toxic silence:

Avoids conflict and accountability, Sabotages growth and resolution, Isolates and humiliates, Undermines autonomy—leaving the receiver to question their own reality.

🆘 The Receiver’s Inner World

Experiencing toxic silence can feel like being trapped in a void:

Anxiety & Hypervigilance: Without answers, the amygdala triggers threat alarms, leading to sleeplessness and stress. Self-Blame: The receiver often believes they caused the silence: “Was I too much? Did I say something wrong?” Erosion of Self-Worth: Repeated dismissal fragments self-identity. Over time, you stop trusting your own feelings. Silent Self-Censorship: Anticipating future silence, the receiver may begin to avoid vulnerability altogether.

As Tellier aptly puts it, silence isn’t peace—it’s a slow erasure of connection, leaving both parties “présents mais éteints”  .

🔧 Breaking Toxic Silence

For the Receiver

Name the harm: “Your silence hurts; I’m open to talking when it’s safe.” Set boundaries: Don’t plead—assert what you need. Build support: Seek validating allies or therapy to affirm your experience.

For the Silence-Wielder

Reflect honestly: Is your silence protective or punitive? Own your impact: Apologise and offer repair. Practice discomfort: Lean into conversation over conflict avoidance.

Shared Practices

Micro-conversations: Start small—“I felt lonely this morning.” Daily “check-ins”: Five minutes unplugged each day to share unspoken feelings. Simple appeals: “I need you right now”—trust and vulnerability break silence.

🔚 Conclusion

Silence becomes toxic when it’s weaponised—used to punish, control, or avoid—not as a moment of reflection, but a barrier. Gabriel Tellier reminds us silence isn’t empty—it’s an omission laden with consequences. When cherished relationships boil down to living side by side without talking, that’s not neutrality—it’s emotional decay ().

True intimacy demands dialogue. Voice matters. Maybe the bravest act of love is refusing silence—and speaking anyway.

🌱 Final Thought

To repeat Tellier’s reminder: “Ce que tu ne dis pas ne disparaît pas.” Healing begins when we share the unsaid—and welcome each other back from the silence.