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Ask for What You Want: Why Mind Reading Doesn’t Work Across Cultures or Relationships

Alain Mbe
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Ask for What You Want: Why Mind Reading Doesn’t Work Across Cultures or Relationships

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw

Communication is one of the most powerful tools we have as human beings — and yet, it’s one of the easiest to misunderstand, especially across cultures, relationships, and daily interactions.

Imagine this: a wife gently asks her husband, “Would you like me to serve you food?” But what she’s really saying is, “Are you hungry?” Or she casually says, “Shall we go and have a shower?” — what she truly means is, “I’d like to take a shower with you. Would you like that?”

In both cases, the words used are polite and indirect — perhaps even culturally expected. But they carry a hidden subtext that can easily be missed. If the husband isn’t tuned in, the moment may pass with a simple “No, thanks,” or “I’m fine,” leaving both partners slightly disappointed or confused.

This is more than just a matter of phrasing. It’s about clarity. It’s about integration. And it’s about expectations — unspoken, unshared, and unmet.

Culture, Communication, and the Silent Gap

When people move from one cultural context to another — whether it’s from one country to another, from one relationship style to another, or even from childhood into adulthood — they often carry invisible codes of communication. They expect others to “just understand” what they’re trying to say.

In many collectivist cultures, for example, indirect communication is seen as a sign of respect and refinement. You don’t say, “I’m hungry,” — you ask if someone else is. You don’t say, “I want attention,” — you offer to do something together.

But in more individualist, direct cultures, this kind of communication can feel vague, confusing, or even manipulative. People expect you to say what you mean and mean what you say.

And so misunderstandings grow — not because anyone is being rude or dismissive, but because we forget that no one is a mind reader.

Expectations: Unspoken Words, Unmet Needs

Think of communication as a bridge between two worlds. If you don’t lay down the planks clearly — using your own words, thoughts, and feelings — the other person can’t cross. And yet, many of us fall into the trap of thinking that those closest to us should “just know.”

  • “He should know I need help.”
  • “She should know I want her to stay.”
  • “They should know I’m upset.”

But how should they know, if we don’t say it?

Unspoken expectations are the silent killers of connection. In romantic relationships, in families, in workplaces, and between friends, they cause tension, confusion, and disappointment. People aren’t refusing to meet your needs — they simply don’t know what they are.

Why We Struggle to Be Direct

There are reasons we struggle to ask for what we want:

  • Fear of rejection — If I ask, and the answer is no, I’ll feel hurt.
  • Fear of appearing needy — I don’t want to come off as too much.
  • Fear of cultural mismatch — That’s not how we were taught to speak.
  • Fear of seeming selfish — Asking feels like demanding.

These fears are valid. But they keep us trapped. Because every time we avoid clear expression, we sacrifice authentic connection.

No One Is a Mind Reader. Say It. Ask It. Name It.

The good news? Communication is a skill — not a trait. It can be learned, practised, and refined.

Here are some simple shifts to help you get started:

  • Instead of: “Do you want me to serve you food?”
    Say: “I noticed it’s been a while since you’ve eaten — would you like me to serve you now?”
  • Instead of: “Shall we take a shower?”
    Say: “I’d love to take a shower with you — are you up for that?”
  • Instead of: assuming your friend knows you’re hurt
    Say: “I felt overlooked when I wasn’t invited — can we talk about that?”

These examples are not about being blunt. They’re about being kind and clear. Clarity is not cruelty. In fact, it’s one of the deepest forms of respect.

Clear Communication Is a Gift

When you ask for what you want, you’re doing more than expressing a desire — you’re:

  • Giving the other person a roadmap to connection
  • Taking responsibility for your own emotions and needs
  • Creating an opportunity for intimacy, growth, and clarity

Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), often said:

“What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”

In other words, we are responsible for naming and sharing what we feel. Not doing so is like holding a locked box and expecting others to guess what’s inside.

Conclusion: Say It. Share It. Start Now.

Whether you’ve moved to a new country, stepped into a new relationship, or simply want to feel more seen in your everyday life — ask for what you want.

It doesn’t make you needy. It makes you brave. It makes you human. It makes you understandable.

💬 Reflection Prompt for Readers

What’s one thing you wish someone understood about you — but you’ve never said out loud? Write it down. Then consider saying it this week, kindly and clearly.