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Why People Rarely Change Without a Wake-Up Call

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

— Maya Angelou

We live in a culture of hope — hope that love can heal, that patience can soften sharp edges, and that with enough time, people will grow into the best versions of themselves. But what if the truth is much starker? What if, in most cases, what you see is what you get — and what you get is what will stay?

This isn’t a cynical view of human nature. It is a pragmatic, sometimes painful, observation backed by science, psychology, and a thousand untold stories of wishful thinking.

The Illusion of Potential

When we enter relationships — whether romantic, familial, or professional — many of us fall prey to the potential fallacy. We think: “She’ll become more affectionate with time,” or “He just needs to mature a little.” This optimism is often rooted in our own emotional generosity or our desire to ‘help’ or ‘fix’ others.

But according to Dr. John Mayer, a clinical psychologist and author of Family Fit: Find Your Balance in Life, personality traits are relatively stable over time. “By the time a person is in their late twenties, their personality is pretty solid. You’ll see only minor changes unless there’s a major life event or crisis,” Mayer says.

In other words, what you see is not the beginning of who they’ll become — it’s often the endpoint.

The Big Five Don’t Budge

Psychologists often measure personality using the Big Five Personality Traits:

Openness to experience Conscientiousness Extraversion Agreeableness Neuroticism

These traits, established in early adulthood, tend to remain relatively stable across a lifetime. A landmark study by Roberts, Walton, and Viechtbauer (2006), based on over 200 longitudinal studies, found that although some maturation occurs — for instance, people may become slightly more conscientious with age — the core of a person’s personality doesn’t shift dramatically without significant intervention or trauma.

Put plainly: your partner who is emotionally avoidant at 30 won’t magically become expressive and vulnerable at 40 — not unless something seismic compels the change.

Habits and the Neurology of Resistance

There’s a reason why habits die hard. Human brains are wired for efficiency, and once a pattern is formed — especially one that’s been reinforced for years — it becomes part of the brain’s automatic operating system.

According to Dr. Joe Dispenza, neuroscientist and author of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, 95% of who we are by the age of 35 is a memorized set of behaviours, emotional reactions, and unconscious habits. Unless we become consciously aware and make repeated, intentional changes, we’ll continue to operate on autopilot.

And that autopilot doesn’t correct itself because someone else hopes it will.

The Exception: The Wake-Up Call

If most people don’t change, then what makes change possible?

The answer: pain or disruption.

According to Prochaska and DiClemente’s Stages of Change model (widely used in addiction therapy), transformation only begins when a person moves from precontemplation (“I don’t need to change”) to contemplation (“Maybe something isn’t right”). This shift is almost always triggered by a catalytic event — a breakup, a health scare, a job loss, or hitting rock bottom.

This explains why even the most stubborn or toxic individuals can suddenly turn a corner — but only after life knocks them sideways. Without such a rupture, the inertia of personality, habits, and coping mechanisms remains intact.

Why This Matters: Save Yourself the Heartache

If you’re waiting for someone to change — a partner, a parent, a friend — ask yourself:

Have they ever acknowledged the need to change?

Have they done the work over time — or are you still holding on to hope?

It’s a sobering truth, but one that liberates:

You cannot heal someone who doesn’t believe they’re wounded.

You cannot grow someone who doesn’t believe they need growth.

Expecting someone to transform just because you love them or see their “potential” is not noble. It’s a trap.

Final Thoughts: Clarity Over Fantasy

“People don’t change. They reveal who they really are.”

— Oprah Winfrey

In every kind of relationship, clarity is kindness. Believe patterns. Observe behaviour. Don’t mistake apologies for transformation or charisma for character. Trust what people show you, not what you hope they might become.

Change is possible, yes — but it’s rare. And it’s never something you can manufacture for someone else. So protect your peace. Move forward with eyes open, not clouded by potential. Because ultimately, what you see will persist — unless life (or the person themselves) decides otherwise.