We often assume that the difference between needs and wants is simple: we need food, water, shelter; we want treats, holidays, or luxuries. But in reality, the distinction is far more subtle—and learning it early can change the way we handle life’s disappointments and surprises.

Recently, I had the opportunity to explore this with my daughter. Every Wednesday, I pick her up from school. It’s become a tradition we both look forward to. But when I asked her whether that pick-up was a need or a want, she paused, thought carefully, and answered: “It’s a want.”

She was right.

The pick-up is the form. The underlying need is connection—time together, the reassurance of being seen, and the practical need of getting home safely. If the pick-up doesn’t happen one week, the connection can still be met in other ways: walking together another day, talking over dinner, or sharing a bedtime story. The journey home is simply the shape the connection takes.

The Deeper Lesson

This might sound like a small observation, but it carries a bigger truth: too often in life we confuse wants with needs.

In relationships, we might say, “I need my partner to text me every morning,” when the actual need is to feel loved and remembered. At work, we might insist, “I need this promotion,” when the deeper need is recognition or financial stability. Even as parents, we can mistake the rituals—like the school pick-up—for the essentials, when what our children really need is safety, care, and connection.

The danger of confusing the two is that when a want fails, we can feel as if our whole foundation has collapsed. In reality, the foundation—our needs—might still be intact. We’ve just attached them too tightly to a single form.

Teaching Resilience

That’s why, with my daughter, I took the conversation further. I told her: “You should never confuse your wants with your needs. And you should always be prepared to attend to your needs yourself if someone you rely on lets you down.”

To make it practical, we created a small exercise. If one Wednesday I cannot make it, she has alternatives: she can take the bus or walk home. And to reinforce this, she practises walking home once a month as a kind of drill.

This is not about expecting the worst—it’s about preparing for reality. Life is unpredictable. People get delayed, plans fall through, promises break. But if you know how to meet your needs in different ways, you’re never stranded. You’re resilient.

Why This Matters Beyond Childhood

Children who learn this early grow into adults who can distinguish between what they truly need and what they simply prefer. They are less likely to cling to fragile expectations, less likely to collapse when one plan doesn’t work out, and more capable of adapting creatively to circumstances.

Adults who master this skill are more grounded in relationships, business, and life. They don’t hold others hostage with unspoken expectations, and they don’t crumble when a want goes unmet. They know how to return to the core need and ask, “How else can this be met?”

A Simple Framework

Next time you’re unsure whether something is a need or a want, try asking:

If this disappeared, would I still survive and function? If yes, it’s probably a want. If no, it’s a need. What is the real essence behind this desire? For example, “I want a bigger house” might mask a need for safety, space, or belonging. Can this need be met in another way? If yes, then the current form is just a want—a valuable one, but not irreplaceable.

The Takeaway

Life is richer when we can enjoy our wants without mistaking them for our lifelines. Needs are constant and non-negotiable; wants are flexible and colourful.

By teaching my daughter this through something as ordinary as the Wednesday school pick-up, I hope she carries a lesson that will serve her in every area of life:

Take joy in your wants, but take responsibility for your needs. If you can attend to your own needs when others cannot, you will never feel powerless. And that independence makes every want a gift, not a crutch.

👉 What do you think—have you sometimes mistaken a want for a need in your relationships or work?