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“You are not living to satisfy the expectations of others. And neither should your children.”
— Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga

I used to parent the way I was parented.

Not because it was perfect. Not because I had deeply reflected on it. But because it was familiar. It was the autopilot setting passed down unconsciously, rooted in love but often tangled with control, expectations, and fear.

Then I read The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga — and something profound shifted.

This wasn’t just another self-help book. It was a philosophical dialogue rooted in Alfred Adler’s psychology. A conversation that challenged everything I thought I knew — about self-worth, freedom, and ultimately, about parenting.

The Old Model: Parenting from Expectation and Fear

In the early days of raising my children, I wanted them to do well. To succeed. To be good.
But behind that “good” was often a long list of inherited expectations:

• “Respect your elders.”
• “Don’t talk back.”
• “Do well at school.”
• “Be grateful — we didn’t have this growing up.”

Sound familiar?

In hindsight, much of it was about control. I thought my role was to shape them into something. Into someone I (and society) could be proud of. Unknowingly, I was imposing my fears, my dreams, my worldview on these little beings who were just beginning to find their place in the world.

I confused obedience with character. Achievement with worth. Silence with respect.

A Radical Question: Whose Life Are They Living?

What shook me in The Courage to Be Disliked was the central idea that we are each responsible for our own lives, and more provocatively: that interference in another person’s task is a violation of their freedom.

“All interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks.”

Parenting, by this standard, is not about ensuring your child becomes who you want them to be — it’s about helping them become who they are.

This hit me hard.

If my child fails a test, gets messy, speaks up, or wants a path I didn’t expect — it’s not a reflection of me. It’s their task.

My task is to guide, to support, and to provide the kind of relationship in which they feel safe to be themselves — even when that self looks very different from who I was at their age.

The New Mission: Raising Children Who Own Their Lives

I began to see my role not as a sculptor, but as a gardener. My children are not blocks of marble to be chiselled into something. They are seeds. Each one unique. My job is to create the right environment — emotionally, physically, psychologically — for them to grow into who they already are.

This required me to let go of the need to control outcomes.
To stop parenting from fear.
To stop parenting for image.
To stop rescuing them from every discomfort or mistake.

Instead, I began asking better questions:

• “What does this child need right now?”
• “Is this my task, or theirs?”
• “Am I guiding — or am I imposing?”
• “What am I modelling through my own behaviour?”

Practical Shifts I Made

Reading the book gave me a philosophy — but the real work began with practice. Here are some ways my parenting has shifted:

1. From Praise to Encouragement

Rather than saying “Good boy/girl!” or “I’m proud of you,” I now say:
“You worked hard on that — how do you feel about it?”
This shift respects their autonomy and builds intrinsic motivation.

2. From Correction to Collaboration

When there’s conflict, I no longer jump to consequences. Instead, I say:
“Let’s figure out what happened and what we can do next time.”
I involve them in problem-solving, showing them that mistakes are part of life — not shameful detours.

3. From Control to Connection

I’ve stopped making my love conditional on performance or behaviour.
No more: “I’m disappointed in you.”
Instead: “I love you, even when I don’t like what you did.”

4. From Authority to Equality in Dignity

I no longer see myself as “above” my child. Yes, I have more experience — but they are not inferior.
Their feelings, thoughts, and desires matter.

“The essence of education is not teaching someone something, but giving them the courage to be themselves.”

The Inner Work: Facing My Own Fears

This kind of parenting isn’t easy. It requires me to face my own wounds.

Why was I so uncomfortable with my child’s anger?
Why did I need them to succeed to feel secure?
Why did disagreement feel like disrespect?

The truth is, much of my previous parenting came from my inner child — the part of me that was raised in a world where children were to be seen, not heard. Where mistakes were punished. Where affection could be withheld.

I had to reparent myself.
To offer myself the freedom I now want to offer my children.
To allow them to be disliked — and still be loved.

Conclusion: The Courage to Parent Differently

Parenting from a place of connection, autonomy, and courage is radical in today’s world.

It requires us to unlearn, to listen deeply, to apologise when we mess up, and to trust our children more than we were ever trusted.

I’m still learning.
Still stumbling.
Still catching myself parenting from fear or ego.

But thanks to The Courage to Be Disliked, I now have a new compass:
Raising children who know themselves, love themselves, and trust themselves.

If I can do that, I’ll have done enough.

Final Thought

“To live is to dance. To dance is to be seen. To be seen is to be vulnerable. And to be vulnerable is to be free.”
— Inspired by Adlerian thought

Let us raise children who are free — not from responsibility, but from the prison of not being enough.