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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
— Carl Gustav Jung
Introduction: The Myth of a Template
Relationships occupy every corner of our lives—partners, children, stepchildren, colleagues, neighbours, even the stranger you see on your commute. And yet, despite their ubiquity, one of the most persistent illusions is that there exists a template for how they should unfold.
Popular culture reinforces this idea with scripts: “soulmates,” “office besties,” “the blended family that just clicks.” Reality, however, is far more complex. Each relationship is a construction project, unique to the individuals involved and the circumstances surrounding them.
And as with any construction, there’s one non-negotiable: the foundation.
Without a foundation, even the most beautiful structure collapses. With it, even imperfect walls can stand the test of storms.
Foundations in Intimate Relationships
Romantic partnerships are the most obvious examples of relationships built from scratch. Here, foundations involve boundaries, expectations, milestones, and a genuine commitment to connect beyond the superficial.
Boundaries and Expectations
Dr. John Gottman, known for his decades of research on marriage, observed that successful couples are those who learn to manage conflict with “gentle start-ups” and clearly defined emotional needs (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Boundaries aren’t walls; they are frameworks that allow intimacy to flourish without chaos.
For example:
- Defining personal time versus shared time.
- Naming financial expectations.
- Agreeing on long-term visions, whether children, career, or lifestyle.
The Question of Maturity
Few couples begin their journey with perfectly aligned maturity levels. When one partner is less emotionally seasoned, it often falls to the other to manage the process: initiating conversations, clarifying limits, and guiding moments of conflict toward growth rather than breakdown.
This echoes Aristotle’s idea that love is not simply passion (eros), but philia—a friendship that requires virtue, patience, and a deliberate pursuit of the good together (Aristotle, trans. 2009).
Maturity, in this sense, is less about age and more about capacity: to tolerate discomfort, to respond rather than react, and to lead when needed.
Foundations in Workplace Relationships
But what about relationships outside intimacy—where people don’t choose each other, but must still share space, time, and responsibility?
Work is perhaps the clearest example. Teams are made up of individuals from different horizons—different training, personalities, and biases. Left unmanaged, this diversity can lead to friction. Properly harnessed, it creates innovation.
The Need for Clear Roles
Research in organisational psychology consistently shows that role clarity is one of the strongest predictors of job satisfaction and performance. When roles and boundaries blur, employees report higher stress and disengagement (Kahn, 1990; Hackman, 2002).
Just as in intimate relationships, work requires explicit foundations:
- Who does what.
- What is expected by when.
- How disagreements are escalated and resolved.
Emotional Realities at Work
It’s tempting to imagine workplaces as rational environments—where professionalism overrides emotion. But people are not mechanical. Hormones, moods, and unconscious biases all bleed into performance and interaction.
The concept of “emotional labour” (Hochschild, 1983) highlights this tension. Workers often suppress true feelings to perform expected behaviours. Without tolerance and empathy from colleagues, this suppression can lead to burnout.
Here again, margins of tolerance are key. Just as a partner’s irritability might come from unseen exhaustion, a colleague’s aloofness may stem from invisible pressures. Foundations at work include creating space for human variance—without excusing chronic disrespect, but without demanding robotic consistency.
Foundations in Blended Families
Nowhere is the need for construction more obvious than in blended families. Stepchildren, stepparents, and half-siblings are asked to live together without the natural glue of shared history.
The Fragility of Forced Bonds
Psychologists like Patricia Papernow (2013) have shown that blended families follow a predictable but often misunderstood trajectory. Initial attempts to create instant harmony—“we’re one big happy family”—often backfire. Children may perceive stepparents as intruders or fear betrayal of their biological parent if they grow attached.
Here, the foundation cannot be rushed. It must be nurtured slowly, with clear roles and generous tolerance. A stepparent, for instance, may need to establish boundaries not as “replacement parent” but as “supportive adult.” Stepchildren need milestones that respect their pace of adjustment.
Patience as the Cement
The philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once wrote: “Patience is necessary, and one cannot reap immediately where one has sown.” This is especially true in blended families. Bonds emerge not through forced affection but through consistent presence, fair rules, and moments of sincere connection.
Tolerance here means recognising that love may not be symmetrical, and that sincerity—not lip service—is what allows children and adults alike to eventually build trust.
The Human Factor: Why Tolerance Matters Everywhere
Whether in marriage, workplace teams, or blended families, one reality underpins them all: humans are not machines.
- Emotions surge unpredictably.
- Hormones affect moods and energy.
- Cognitive biases skew perceptions (Tversky & Kahneman, 1974).
- Past traumas resurface without warning.
These factors are invisible but ever-present. The mistake is assuming behaviour always reflects intent. Often, what appears as immaturity is overwhelm. What looks like indifference is fatigue.
This is why relationships require huge margins of tolerance. Not unlimited—boundaries still apply—but large enough to acknowledge that we are messy, embodied creatures.
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus captured it well: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Listening—truly listening—creates the margin where tolerance lives.
Sincere vs. Superficial Connection
Foundations are not built on appearances. A workplace where everyone smiles but no one trusts, a family where “I love you” is spoken but not lived, a marriage where nods replace honesty—these are facades.
Superficial connection is lip service. Sincere connection is vulnerability.
Research by Brené Brown (2012) underscores that vulnerability—the courage to be seen and known—is the cornerstone of real trust. Without it, foundations crack no matter how polished the surface looks.
This is true in every sphere:
- At work: owning mistakes instead of covering them.
- In families: admitting fears rather than pretending strength.
- In intimacy: saying “I need” rather than “I’m fine.”
The Balance: Boundaries and Tolerance
It might seem contradictory: on one hand, relationships require firm boundaries and clear expectations; on the other, they demand wide tolerance for human variance. Yet this paradox is the essence of construction.
Boundaries are the beams; tolerance is the flexibility. Together, they create resilience.
Too rigid, and the structure shatters under pressure. Too loose, and it collapses from instability. The art is in balancing the two.
Conclusion: Foundations Beyond Templates
There is no template for relationships—romantic, professional, or familial. But there is a principle: they are constructions.
Foundations make the difference between collapse and sustainability. They involve boundaries, expectations, milestones, sincere connection, and tolerance for human messiness.
The question isn’t whether conflict, immaturity, or misunderstanding will appear—they will. The question is whether the ground beneath is strong enough to hold.
In the end, the most durable relationships—whether between lovers, colleagues, or stepparents and children—are those that remember:
- Humans are not machines.
- Sincerity is non-negotiable.
- Maturity carries responsibility.
- Tolerance is a form of wisdom.
As the French poet Paul Valéry once put it: “The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.” In relationships, waking up means recognising the reality of human fragility and committing, again and again, to building on foundations that last.
References
- Aristotle. (2009). Nicomachean Ethics (W. D. Ross, Trans.). Digireads.com Publishing.
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown.
- Hackman, J. R. (2002). Leading teams: Setting the stage for great performances. Harvard Business Press.
- Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The managed heart: Commercialization of human feeling. University of California Press.
- Kahn, W. A. (1990). Psychological conditions of personal engagement and disengagement at work. Academy of Management Journal, 33(4), 692–724.
- Papernow, P. (2013). Surviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships: What works and what doesn’t. Routledge.
- Tversky, A., & Kahneman, D. (1974). Judgment under uncertainty: Heuristics and biases. Science, 185(4157), 1124–1131.