“A child born into confusion is twice orphaned—once by absence, and again by emotional disarray.”

— Alain Mbe

We live in an age of autonomy, where love, intimacy, and even parenthood are often framed as personal choices. And while freedom is important, so is responsibility. Especially when it comes to bringing another human being into the world.

One of the greatest misconceptions of our time is the idea that parenting can be a spontaneous outcome of love, chemistry, or circumstance—that if you feel ready in the moment, everything else will fall into place.

But the truth is far more sobering.

If we care about the well-being of children and the health of families, we must advocate for one foundational principle:

Partnership must come before parenting.

What Do We Mean by “Partnership”?

In this context, partnership doesn’t have to mean marriage—though marriage remains one of the most consistent indicators of long-term stability for children. What we mean is a stable, nearly unshakable bond formed through intentional commitment, mutual respect, emotional maturity, and shared vision.

It’s a relationship where:

Both individuals have taken the time to truly know each other Values have been aligned, not just feelings entertained Conflicts have been navigated, not avoided And crucially, both people are ready to build a family—not just start one

Too often, relationships escalate quickly—sparked by passion, sustained by convenience, and suddenly bound by parenthood before either partner has truly evaluated the long-term viability of their connection.

Parenting Without Partnership: A Risky Bet

Let’s be blunt: raising a child is the most demanding, life-altering responsibility most people will ever take on. It requires not just affection, but emotional stability, financial planning, mental resilience, and mutual support.

When parenting begins without a strong foundation:

Conflict becomes the norm, not the exception The child grows up amidst tension, inconsistency, or emotional absence Parents feel trapped, isolated, or resentful—sometimes all at once Co-parenting becomes an exercise in damage control instead of collaboration

And when that happens, even the best intentions can’t prevent the consequences.

The Research Is Clear

Decades of research confirm that children raised in stable, two-parent households generally do better across almost every metric—academic achievement, emotional regulation, social skills, and long-term well-being.

Just a few examples:

Children in cohabiting but non-married households are three times more likely to see their parents separate before the age of five compared to children of married couples (The Marriage Foundation, 2021). Parental conflict—even in homes where both parents are present—is a stronger predictor of emotional difficulties in children than divorce itself (Cummings & Davies, 2002). Unplanned pregnancies correlate with higher stress levels, poorer maternal mental health, and reduced early childhood outcomes (Barber & East, 2009).

This is not a moral argument—it’s a functional one. A strong partnership creates the conditions in which parenting can thrive.

Extending the Family: The Same Rules Apply

Importantly, this principle doesn’t stop once the first child is born. Even in long-term partnerships, adding another child to the family must be a mutual, well-considered decision.

Why?

Because:

Emotional readiness doesn’t always arrive on the same timeline for both partners Financial and logistical strain can shift the dynamics of a household quickly One partner may feel pressured or cornered into agreement, which plants seeds of resentment that grow over time A second or third child can dramatically affect the rhythm and balance of a relationship, especially if the first child already introduced unforeseen stress

Just because a couple is already parenting together does not mean they are automatically in agreement about doing it again. Consent must be current. Clarity must be mutual. And timing must be aligned.

Without these, even the strongest partnerships can fracture.

Without these, one parent may feel blindsided or betrayed.

And once again, a child enters a world of unspoken tension.

Love Is Not Enough

It’s worth repeating: Love is not enough.

You can love someone and still not be compatible in the long run.

You can love someone and still disagree fundamentally on parenting philosophies, emotional priorities, or life goals.

You can even love someone deeply, and still know—truthfully—that this is not the person with whom you should raise a child.

That’s why partnership before parenting matters.

Because love alone will not carry you through the sleepless nights, the financial burdens, the shifting identities, or the pressure of raising a child in an unpredictable world.

The Case for Purposeful Preparation

We don’t need to promote fear—but we do need to promote foresight.

Before making the life-altering decision to become a parent—or to become one again—every couple should sit with the hard, necessary questions:

Do we share the same vision of what it means to raise a child? Are we emotionally and financially stable enough to expand our family? Have we discussed the impact this will have on our relationship? Do we feel equally ready, equally heard, and equally committed?

And perhaps most importantly:

Are we choosing this together—not just letting it happen?

A New Cultural Standard

The time has come to normalise deliberate parenting.

Let us move away from romanticising accidents as destiny or treating babies as bandages for broken bonds.

Let us challenge the idea that wanting a child is enough.

Let us raise the standard, not the body count of unplanned parenthood.

Let us affirm, instead, that:

Parenting should begin from a place of clarity, not confusion Families deserve to be formed with intention, not assumption Children deserve to be welcomed into a stable partnership, not a fragile situation

Whether married or not, what matters most is the quality, resilience, and mutual commitment of the relationship that brings them into the world.

Final Thought

If you’re not ready to build a partnership, you’re not ready to build a family.

And if you’re already in a partnership, then any decision to bring a child—first or additional—into your shared world must come from active, explicit, and unquestionable consent. Anything less risks not only destabilising your relationship but also introducing another life into uncertainty.

Parenting is not a personal achievement. It is a shared calling—and it must begin with unity, not ambiguity.

Partnership before parenting. Always.