Rethinking Parenthood: Breaking Free from the “Children at All Costs” Mentality
The Tyranny of Tradition
In much of Africa, marriage is rarely seen as complete without children. From the moment vows are exchanged, families and communities wait with one pressing question:
“When is the first child coming?”
For many newlyweds, the pressure is immediate, relentless, and unavoidable. Extended families sometimes even intervene—urging, advising, or arranging—so the couple can “start a family” as quickly as possible.
But children are not cultural decorations. They are not proof of virility or family honour. As Carl Jung warned:
“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.”
When children are brought into the world to satisfy tradition rather than readiness, the results can be devastating.
The Psychological Cost of Forced Parenthood
Psychological theories consistently emphasise the importance of timing and readiness in parenthood. Erik Erikson’s stages of development show that adults must first establish intimacy and stability before moving to the stage of “generativity,” where raising children becomes central.
When couples bypass this developmental flow, they bring children into fractured, unstable environments. The stress–vulnerability model further explains how added pressures—financial hardship, unresolved trauma, emotional immaturity—magnify risks of neglect, conflict, or abandonment once children arrive.
“The child did not ask to be born. It should not carry the cost of adult unpreparedness.”
Men and Responsibility Before Conception
Conversations about children often centre on women: fertility, motherhood, timing. Men, meanwhile, are too often given a cultural pass. Yet research in developmental psychology highlights the crucial role of fathers in a child’s sense of safety and belonging.
Donald Winnicott, the British psychoanalyst, argued that children don’t need perfect parents, but “good enough parents”—consistent, reliable, and present. Too many men only realise this truth when fatherhood feels like punishment instead of purpose.
The blunt truth, echoed in the viral post that sparked this reflection:
“The man who thinks children are too expensive should either choose abstinence or vasectomy.”
Fatherhood is not an afterthought. Responsibility must begin long before conception.
From “When” to “How”
It is time to shift the conversation about children in relationships. Instead of asking “How soon will you have children?” we must begin asking:
How would our relationship change if we had a child now? How capable are we emotionally, financially, and practically? How strong is our partnership before bringing in a new life?
Sometimes the honest answer will be “not yet.” Sometimes it may even be “never.” Viktor Frankl captured this freedom of choice when he wrote:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose.”
That space is where true parenthood must begin.
When the Chickens Come Home to Roost
Ignoring readiness has predictable consequences:
Mothers left to raise children alone. Fathers disappearing or resisting child support. Legal battles fought in courtrooms instead of conversations. Children growing up neglected, resentful, or impoverished.
Family systems theory reminds us that dysfunction ripples outward: from the nuclear family into the extended family, schools, and society itself. Forcing children into unready homes is not just a private tragedy—it becomes a collective instability.
A New Narrative for African Families
The path forward requires courage to question inherited wisdom. Parenthood should not be assumed, it should be chosen.
Children are not cultural trophies. Parenthood is not proof of worth. A couple’s decision to wait—or not have children—does not diminish them.
As an African proverb puts it:
“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”
Our children deserve more than cultural scripts. They deserve parents who are present, prepared, and intentional.
Conclusion: Love Over Pressure
Choosing not to have children—or delaying parenthood—is not weakness. It is wisdom. Choosing to have children, when readiness is present, is not blind obedience to tradition but a conscious act of love.
The question is no longer “When will you have children?”
The real question is:
“How will you show up for them if you do?”
Only when this becomes the guiding principle can Africa raise a generation of children born not out of cultural coercion, but out of genuine care.