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“Marriage is not the end of freedom. It is the public declaration of choosing someone—again and again—in a world of infinite options.”

In an age where romantic relationships seem increasingly fluid, where ‘situationships’ flourish and the definition of commitment grows ever more ambiguous, marriage often finds itself under harsh scrutiny. Some dismiss it as an outdated institution. Others resent the weight of expectations it brings. Many, simply, are afraid of it.

And yet—despite these evolving perceptions, marriage remains one of the clearest, most visible declarations of intentional love and long-term commitment, especially within traditional cultures like those across Africa.

I. A Myth, But Not Meaningless

The “myth” of marriage is not that it exists, but that it guarantees love, happiness, or even longevity. For centuries, people have entered marriage hoping for permanence, only to discover that the ritual itself doesn’t solve incompatibility, communication gaps, or emotional immaturity. Divorce statistics, rising cohabitation without formal unions, and modern scepticism all point to one truth: marriage is not a magical guarantee.

So yes—marriage as a concept may have been idealised to a fault. But does that render it irrelevant?

Absolutely not.

In fact, marriage—done right, entered intentionally—remains a powerful rite of passage. Not for status or convenience, but because of what the process of marriage forces us to consider, plan, and confront.

II. In African Cultures, Marriage Is a Process, Not an Event

In many African traditions, marriage is not something that happens overnight. It’s a slow and deliberate sequence of rituals, introductions, negotiations, and emotional exposure. And each phase serves a deeper purpose.

You knock at the door (commonly known as “la demande en mariage” or “introduction”). You bring family and elders into the conversation. You publicly declare your intentions to unite—not just two individuals, but two families. You go through the traditional wedding or engagement, often before a church or state wedding even occurs. There are gifts exchanged, drinks shared, lists of requirements met, dances danced, and—often—tears shed.

“It is not just the man who marries the woman,” says a Cameroonian elder. “It is his entire family that commits to her family.”

These customs may seem tedious or archaic to some. But therein lies their genius: they force transparency.

There is no ghosting, no passive ambiguity, no leaving the door half-open “just in case.” You are seen. You are claimed. You are held accountable—publicly.

III. Commitment Through Emotional Exposure

If you’ve ever witnessed the process of preparing for a traditional wedding, you know: it brings out every emotion imaginable.

The anxiety of getting things right. The stress of negotiation and logistics. The tension between modern expectations and ancestral protocols. The joy of unity. The vulnerability of standing in front of witnesses and saying this is who I choose.

And that’s the beauty of it.

By the time the marriage is finalised, you’ve already seen your partner stressed, impatient, loving, proud, frustrated, accommodating, inflexible, generous, anxious, and ambitious. You’ve observed them handle family dynamics. You’ve watched them clash or harmonise with your relatives. You’ve dealt with money, ego, plans, and problems. You’ve seen more of their truth.

All this before the honeymoon even begins.

That’s what makes African marriage customs not just symbolic—but wise. They invite reality into the process. They don’t just celebrate the romantic “yes”; they test the capacity to say “yes” in difficulty.

IV. What Modern Couples Can Learn

Even for couples outside of Africa, there’s a profound lesson here. Marriage, or its equivalent, should not be an escape—it should be a reveal.

If you can commit to a process that stretches you, that invites your community to witness you, that demands mutual clarity, and that filters through your highs and lows—then whether you call it marriage, a life partnership, or a covenant, you are building on something conscious.

“Love is not just about finding the right person, but about becoming the right partner,” as psychologist Dr. Neil Clark Warren reminds us.

What traditional marriage processes teach us is that commitment is forged, not declared. It’s cemented in action, not just affection.

V. When the Myth Falls Apart

Of course, marriage can still fail. Even the most thoroughly prepared couples may grow apart. Cultural rituals cannot substitute emotional maturity. Community pressure can push people into unions they are not ready for.

That is the real danger of the myth: thinking that marriage by itself is enough.

Marriage must be entered with informed consent, psychological readiness, and emotional literacy.

But when done intentionally, with a process that allows you to test character, align visions, and declare commitments publicly—marriage remains unmatched in its clarity of intent.

VI. Final Thought: We Need Rituals That Demand Reflection

In a world where casual sex, instant connections, and superficial entanglements are becoming norms, perhaps the myth of marriage isn’t that it’s obsolete—but that we’ve forgotten its function: to slow us down long enough to see clearly.

Because when you take time to meet families, organise events, plan, endure, witness, adjust, and commit—you’re not just preparing for a wedding. You’re preparing for life.

“You don’t just marry a body. You marry a history, a family, a worldview, and a set of dreams. And marriage—done wisely—helps you meet all of that before it’s too late.”