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The Silent War

Alain Mbe
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How Parental Alienation Creeps In and Shapes a Child’s Life Forever

“The greatest tragedy of divorce is not the broken marriage; it’s the broken child who grows up never knowing the whole truth.”

Parental alienation rarely starts as an explosion. It often seeps in like smoke—quiet, insidious, and hard to detect. A sigh here, a “harmless” comment there, a schedule change that feels coincidental. Many parents who alienate don’t see themselves as villains. They believe they’re protecting their child or “just being honest.”

But the truth? Alienation leaves psychological scars that ripple through a child’s life long after the divorce is over.

What Is Parental Alienation, Really?

First introduced by psychologist Richard A. Gardner in the 1980s, Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) describes situations where one parent turns a child against the other without legitimate cause.

While PAS as a formal diagnosis is debated, the behaviours are real—and the damage is profound. Alienation can sound like:

“I’m not saying anything bad about your dad… but you should know the truth.”

These phrases rarely feel like attacks to the parent saying them, but they are emotional landmines for a child.

Why It Often Starts Without Malice

Many alienating parents aren’t malicious—they’re hurt, angry, or scared. They fear losing their child’s love, so they cling tighter, often unconsciously. Psychology offers some clues:

  • Projection: Attributing one’s pain to the other parent.
  • Splitting: Seeing one parent as “good,” the other as “bad.”
  • Triangulation: Using the child as a buffer or ally in the conflict.

“Parents who alienate often believe they’re acting in the child’s best interest—even when evidence says otherwise.”
— Dr. Amy J. L. Baker (Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome)

Intentions, however, don’t erase impact.

The Subtle, Malignant Faces of Alienation

Alienation is often death by a thousand cuts. Here’s how it shows up in everyday life:

1. Feeding Stories to Discredit the Other Parent

“Your dad is late again? Figures. He was never reliable.”
The child starts believing unreliability equals lack of love.

2. Normalising Distance

“It’s okay if you don’t feel like calling Mum. She won’t mind.”
Translation? She doesn’t care about you.

3. Planting the “Escape” Seed

“If you’re uncomfortable, call me and I’ll come get you.”
This primes the child to scan for discomfort and bail out.

4. Making the Other House a Place, Not a Home

“Home is here. That’s just where Dad lives.”
The child feels like a visitor instead of belonging to two families.

5. Weaponising Time

  • Sending the child during major exams, then saying:
    “See? Dad doesn’t think about your studies.”
  • Or planning fun activities during the other parent’s scheduled time to create resentment.

6. Encouraging Tension

“If Mum doesn’t buy you what you need, let her know how upset you are.”
The child becomes a messenger of conflict.

7. Splitting Siblings

“Your brother will stay with me. You can go if you want.”
The child is torn between loyalty to one parent and love for a sibling.

Alienation doesn’t feel like abuse to the parent doing it. But to the child, it’s a loyalty war they never asked to fight.

Short-Term Damage: The Child in Conflict

According to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, children need both parents as secure bases. Alienation cracks that foundation.

Immediate effects include:

  • Anxiety and confusion: Who is telling the truth?
  • Regression: Bedwetting, clinginess, tantrums.
  • Physical symptoms: Headaches, stomach aches—stress in disguise.

Children often parrot adult language:
“Dad only cares about himself.”
This isn’t maturity—it’s programming.

The Long Shadow: Consequences Into Adulthood

Alienation is not a phase. It scripts a child’s future relationships.

Adolescence

  • Identity crisis: Half of me is “bad”?
  • Rebellion: Against one or both parents.
  • Risk behaviours: Substance abuse, early sexual activity.

Adulthood

  • Trust issues: Difficulty forming healthy attachments.
  • Generational echo: Alienated children often alienate later.
  • Estrangement guilt: Adults who reconnect with the alienated parent often feel deep remorse.

Statistic: 70% of alienated children report long-term relational dysfunction (Journal of Divorce & Remarriage).

When Alienation Becomes a Weapon

For some—especially those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder—alienation is not unconscious. It’s strategic. For these individuals, confrontation often escalates conflict. The best approach?

  • Document everything.
  • Stay calm.
  • Focus on the child’s best interest, not point-scoring.

A Call to Reflection, Not War

Before speaking, pause and ask:

  • “Would I want my child to feel about me the way I’m making them feel about their other parent?”
  • “Am I sharing facts—or my feelings disguised as facts?”

“Bad-mouthing a parent may feel like winning a battle, but it risks losing the war—the child’s well-being.”
— Richard A. Warshak, Divorce Poison

Breaking the Cycle

  • Therapy: Family or reunification therapy can restore bonds.
  • Parenting Coordination: Neutral mediators reduce conflict.
  • Co-Parent Education: Teaches impact awareness.

Practical Tip: Use the Three-Second Rule:
Does this comment build security for my child?
If not, don’t say it.

Final Reflection

Alienation is a silent war fought in whispers, but its casualties cry loud in the psyche of children for decades. If you see yourself in these patterns, don’t panic. Awareness is the first step to healing.

As Carl Jung said:

“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.”

Live your life fully. Let your child love fully. Not for your ex. For them.

Recommended Reading

  • Divorce Poison – Richard A. Warshak
  • Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome – Amy J. L. Baker
  • Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex – Amy J. L. Baker & Paul R. Fine
  • The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce – Judith Wallerstein