“Marriage is not just a private contract—it is a public institution, embedded in culture, history, and power.” — Stephanie Coontz

Love Has No Universal Script

We like to tell love stories as though they’re universal: two people meet, fall in love, and commit for life. But culture writes its own rules, and not all scripts are alike.

In much of Africa, marriage is a social mission. The couple’s role is clear: procreate, raise as many children as possible, and keep the family line alive. Roles are codified by tradition, and deviation is rarely tolerated.

In Europe, by contrast, marriage is framed as personal choice. Couples negotiate their roles, often delaying children—or choosing not to have them at all. The mission is happiness, not lineage.

When people cross these cultural lines—meeting in Africa, but building a life in Europe—the ground shakes.

Pull Quote: “What seems obvious to one partner—like having many children or supporting extended family—may not even register as valid to the other.”

The African Couple Mission

In many African societies, marriage is a duty that extends far beyond two individuals.

Children are the measure. Anthropologist John Mbiti put it bluntly: “In traditional African societies, marriage is the focus of existence.” Without children, a marriage is seen as incomplete. Roles are pre-assigned. Men provide, women nurture. Hofstede’s cultural model explains why: collectivist, role-based societies prioritise duty over choice. Dating is rare. Long courtships are frowned upon. Families may arrange or oversee unions, meaning many couples enter marriage without really knowing each other.

This model works within its context—but when uprooted, it clashes.

The European Couple Mission

Europe, especially in the last half-century, tells a different story.

The individual comes first. Sociologist Ulrich Beck called modern love “a risky project” because it’s constantly renegotiated. Fulfilment over fertility. Fertility rates in Europe hover around 1.5 children per woman (Eurostat, 2023), compared to 4.2 in Sub-Saharan Africa (World Bank, 2022). Preparation matters. Dating, cohabitation, even serial partnerships are normal steps before commitment. Compatibility is tested before marriage.

Here, marriage is less about survival or lineage and more about personal growth, companionship, and self-expression.

The Collision

Now imagine an African man raised to believe marriage means having many children marries a European woman whose plans include career, travel, or one child at most. Or a European husband expects equality in household roles while his African wife assumes domestic leadership is hers alone.

These aren’t minor misunderstandings. They are clashing worldviews.

And then there’s family. For many Africans, marriage brings obligations to parents, siblings, cousins. In Europe, that’s often seen as intrusion. Couples argue over money, boundaries, and loyalty.

Pull Quote: “Presumptions kill communication. What one partner calls obvious, the other calls unfair.”

Why Many Don’t Last

Cross-cultural marriages are not doomed. But the stats don’t lie: immigrant marriages in Europe dissolve at higher rates than native-born ones (Milewski & Kulu, 2014). For African-European couples, the risks multiply—cultural clashes, fertility expectations, migration stress.

Reaching 20 or 30 years together in these unions is rare. Exceptional, even. And often it only happens when one partner compromises heavily, or both consciously blend norms into a hybrid model.

The Psychology of Misalignment

Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969) helps explain the friction.

For many Africans, security comes from defined roles and predictability. For Europeans, security comes from autonomy and flexibility.

When both seek safety in opposite directions, both feel unsafe.

Jean-Paul Sartre might say these couples live between two demands: freedom and responsibility. Too much freedom and one feels abandoned. Too much duty and the other feels trapped.

Pathways Forward

Cross-cultural love can thrive—but not by accident.

Define the couple mission early. Ask: Is this about children? Companionship? Mutual growth? Spell out roles. Don’t assume who handles money, cooking, or childcare. Honour both cultures. Keep what nourishes, let go of what harms. Hold a margin of tolerance. Mistakes will happen—grace matters. Seek mentors. Other couples who’ve walked the path can be lifelines.

Conclusion: A Bridge or a Battlefield

The African couple mission, rooted in duty and procreation, makes sense where community survival depends on it. The European couple mission, rooted in autonomy and fulfilment, fits where individuals can stand on their own.

But when transplanted, neither system alone works. Couples who cling to assumptions and refuse negotiation often break apart. Those who define a new, shared mission can build something rare: a love that honours both roots and wings.

As the proverb goes, “When the roots are deep, there is no reason to fear the wind.” The task is to plant roots strong enough for both traditions—and brave enough to withstand the storm.

References

Beck, U., & Beck-Gernsheim, E. (1995). The Normal Chaos of Love. Polity Press. Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss. Basic Books. Eurostat (2023). Fertility statistics. Hofstede, G. (2011). Dimensionalizing Cultures. Online Readings in Psychology and Culture. Mbiti, J. (1969). African Religions and Philosophy. Heinemann. Milewski, N., & Kulu, H. (2014). Mixed marriages in Western Europe. Population Studies, 68(3). World Bank (2022). Fertility rate data.