When life hits hard—an argument, a sudden loss, an unexpected demand—our emotional reactions often surge before thought even catches up. Some people fight, others flee, some freeze in place, and others fawn to keep the peace.

These automatic responses are more than quirks of temperament. They are the nervous system’s survival codes, often written in childhood and replayed unconsciously in adulthood. To ignore them is to let them drive our choices without awareness. To examine them consciously is to begin reclaiming agency over our lives.

The Nervous System Never Forgets

Trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk argues that “the body keeps the score”—meaning the nervous system carries imprints of past experiences, especially those involving fear or disconnection (van der Kolk, 2014). Even when our minds forget, the body remembers.

As children, we learned strategies to survive our environment. Some of us learned silence, others defiance, others charm or compliance. These strategies worked then. But they often resurface in adulthood, where they may no longer serve.

Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn: The Four Core Responses

The classic “fight or flight” concept, first introduced by Walter Cannon in 1915, has since been expanded by psychologists to include two more responses: freeze and fawn (Porges, 2011). Together, these four cover the main ways our nervous systems react under threat:

Fight — aggression, control, confrontation. Flight — avoidance, distraction, escape. Freeze — paralysis, shutting down, going numb. Fawn — appeasing, people-pleasing, self-abandoning to reduce conflict.

None of these responses are inherently wrong. They are protective reflexes. Yet when they dominate our lives outside of genuine danger, they can sabotage relationships, careers, and wellbeing.

Your present-day reactions are survival codes from your past. They made sense once. The question is whether they still serve you now.

Childhood Roots of Adult Reactions

Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby (1969), provides one lens for tracing these patterns back to childhood. Children exposed to consistent safety tend to develop secure attachment, while those facing inconsistency, neglect, or fear often develop adaptive strategies that show up in adult reactions.

A freeze response in adulthood may mirror a child’s helplessness when no safe action was possible. Flight could echo the relief of physically or emotionally escaping family conflict. Fight might be the remnant of a child who had to shout to be noticed. Fawn often develops when pleasing others was the only way to avoid harm.

Neuroscience reinforces this: the amygdala, a brain structure central to threat detection, becomes hypersensitive when shaped by early stress (McEwen, 2007). This can explain why seemingly small triggers in adulthood provoke outsized reactions.

Why Conscious Work Is Essential

Carl Jung famously warned: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate” (Jung, 1954/1990).

Without conscious effort, our default reactions shape our lives invisibly. We may repeat family patterns, sabotage intimacy, or shy away from opportunities, mistaking conditioned reflexes for personal destiny.

By consciously examining our emotional reactions, we step into awareness. Awareness does not erase the past, but it creates space for choice in the present.

Practical Steps to Begin the Work

Psychologists and therapists often recommend practices that bring these unconscious patterns to light:

Name the response. Labelling your reaction activates the prefrontal cortex, helping regulate the emotional brain (Lieberman et al., 2007). Notice the trigger. What specifically set off the reaction—a tone of voice, a sense of pressure, a look of disapproval? Trace the echo. Journaling or therapy can help uncover how this feeling links back to earlier experiences. Normalise and honour it. These responses were protective strategies. Recognising their wisdom softens self-criticism. Practice new scripts. With support, you can experiment with alternative responses—asserting instead of fawning, grounding instead of freezing.

Mindfulness-based practices are particularly effective in increasing awareness of these patterns (Kabat-Zinn, 1990).

From Reaction to Choice

The goal isn’t to eliminate these responses. They are hardwired. But with conscious attention, they lose their automatic grip.

Fight energy can be redirected into constructive boundary-setting. Flight can be slowed into intentional pausing rather than avoidance. Freeze can be softened with grounding practices like deep breathing. Fawn can be interrupted by practicing small acts of honest self-expression.

Each conscious shift rewires the nervous system, a concept known as neuroplasticity (Doidge, 2007). Over time, the past no longer dictates the present.

Closing Reflection

Self-understanding is not an indulgence. It is the foundation for authentic living. Every time you catch yourself mid-reaction, trace it back, and bring awareness to it, you weaken the hold of old conditioning.

You are not doomed to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn forever. These are chapters of your story, not its ending.

In doing this work consciously, you send a message to the child you once were: Thank you for protecting me. But I can take it from here.

And with that, the cockpit of your life is finally yours to fly.

References

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books. Cannon, W. B. (1915). Bodily changes in pain, hunger, fear and rage. D. Appleton and Company. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself. Penguin. Jung, C. G. (1954/1990). The undiscovered self. Princeton University Press. Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full catastrophe living. Delacorte. Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904. Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. Norton. van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score. Viking.